


Silence

by graphic_winged_observer



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone knows something is wrong, Gen, My Heart for Caleb Widogast, No one wants to make this worse, No one wants to say anything, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slight C2 Ep81 spoilers, The Mighty Nein is a Family, Trent Ikithon Being an Asshole, memories are a bitch, mentions of scarification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-31 07:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21123008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graphic_winged_observer/pseuds/graphic_winged_observer
Summary: Not being able to utter a sound makes Caleb more than a little anxious, it reminds him far too much of things in his past he can't forget.





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> After C2 Ep81, I kept having thoughts about collared Caleb and had a story that just wouldn't leave me alone, although strangely not a kinky fic.
> 
> So, here you go. Enjoy.
> 
> Edit: I forgot to mention, that I absolutely wrote this while listening to the Liam O'Brien curated playlist for [Caleb](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1OL0V2KdvjwIT4GPWYHJtD?si=RSgX0_hgR_yreKXoi0ST_Q). So I will share that with you so y'all can enjoy too. You can find everyone else's there too.

Quiet and silence was often maddening. For most members of the Mighty Nein, this was less true, but for Caleb Widogast, it was more true. Exponentially more so when his voice would and could not sound. The silence reminded him of darker times he wished he could forget, but the memories were nonetheless brought to the forefront of his mind. Their timing couldn’t be more inappropriate. Being chased by a magic canceling Golem was bad enough, but that the construct could also silence any of them was even worse. He just happened to be the unlucky first.

However, in the aftermath of the Golem battle, the quiet was abated some. The Nein were largely out of their depth and were sarcastically delightful in making those thoughts known. Sarcasm was a wonderful way to dispel the nerves. Caleb raised a hand to his neck, swearing he could still feel the tightness of the muting collar there, but knew it was safely tucked away. It was often strange how certain sensations lingered, although he knew the reason this one chose to stay.

“Caleb?” came the most familiar voice among the room. The wizard glanced down to his small goblin friend with a raised brow in a question. “You there, you okay?” Nott asked while she reached out for his hand; which he let her take softly.

“_Ja_, I’m fine,” he said maybe a little louder than was really necessary. Caleb needed to hear his own voice, even if it was just a few words. He needed to make sure it was still there, to keep darker memories at bay...even if it didn’t exactly work. Nott tilted her head curiously at his volume and he gave her hand a slight squeeze. “I’m fine, no worse for wear.”

When he glanced around, he saw every other member of the party looking curiously at him, also confused by his volume. The eyes made him only a little nervous. Caleb knew there would be questions, as there usually are when someone is as secretive with their past as he. Maybe one day he would be able to tell them all about it.

...maybe, but probably not.

Giving all of the Nein a reassuring smile, Caleb set about identifying their finds; lucky finds for them as it seemed someone may have cleaned the armory out already. The talk over the circlet brought a smile to his face, especially when Jester energetically began to braid it into Beau’s hair.

_True siblings,_ he thought to himself after pulling out his spellbook to cast the hut. The idea of sleeping in what Lady Allura had called the Archmage Bane was...not the brightest of prospects, but as he looked around to the state of his friends, Caleb knew they could not press further into the Folding Halls without an extended rest.

Only when he had finished casting the impenetrable hut; so long as no other Golems crept into the room, did Caleb allow thoughts of how much time they would be spending so far inside this mage killing death ball. Their travel and battle in the Garden took considerable time and three days had already passed on the outside. Taking down the Golem had taken them nearly an hour, four days now, and with almost the entire party needing a full nights rest...Caleb knew they’d be spending over a week just sleeping.

“Hey, you okay?” Beau inquired quietly, sitting beside Caleb as she saw something cross his face. Worry was something that often etched its way across the man’s features, but this seemed to go a little deeper. The wizard and the monk locked eyes momentarily and Caleb managed to ease some of the worry from his face.

“_Ja_, just thinking about this...ball,” he said; which was not entirely a lie nor the whole truth. Beau cocked a brow at him as he gestured to the room around them. She had to admit that she was thinking about it too just maybe not to the same extent as him.

“Yeah, Happy Fun Ball is a shit name for it really.”

“I like calling it the Happy Fun Ball though,” Jester whined as she continued to braid Beau’s hair around the circlet. Her violet eyes drifting between Beau and Caleb. Ever curious, Jester had so many questions for their wizard, but was taking her cues from the rest of the party tonight. Although her brows knit when once again a hand found its own way to Caleb’s neck. The tiefling looked up to Caduceus as he approached with food. He shook his head slightly, Cad had the sense that if they tried to press the matter that Caleb would either clam up or be put in the wrong mindset to be able to hunt for Yussa.

“Happy Fun Ball does feel a little out of place at the moment,” Caduceus offered in his low drawl as he began to pass out bits of food and water to everyone. Nott; ever at Caleb’s side, had to admit that it was very welcome and scarfed it down as quickly as it was placed in her clawed hands. Grey hands placed food and water into both of Caleb’s in the hopes of occupying them, at least for a little while.

“It does appear to be rather a misnomer.” Caleb nodded his thanks to the firbolg and drank the water first, hating that the psychic tightness of the collar was still sitting around his neck. He went to reach for it again when he caught Nott’s golden eyes watching him and instead scratched the scruff coming in along his jaw. The wizard didn’t want to worry his friend anymore than he already had; seemingly unaware that every member of the Mighty Nein was also watching him, and offered a small smile as he ate. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but he hadn’t given a genuine smile in a great many years; so the sight was not something so odd to the goblin. She gave a slight nod as the group began to pile into the hut and prepare for sleep.

After having done this since the Iron Shepherds, the Nein had found the best spots among each other for the most comfortable sleeping arrangement. For the most part it was like a puzzle piece falling into place and soon many of them were drifting in the warmth of the magic and food in their bellies. If he had to admit, the hut was the one piece of magic that Caleb was most proud of. The best thing he could have done...it was just a pity that it was learned a little too late.

Fjord had been quietly listening to the conversation from his seat in the ballista before the rest of the party began to drift to sleep. He hadn’t used anything larger than his blasts and the healing the clerics had provided left him feeling well enough to keep watch. As the half-orc glanced at the hut, he thought of Caleb. He wondered how it felt to have his voice taken from him; not that he wanted to actually feel that sensation. For someone as magically inclined as the man, Fjord couldn’t imagine not being able speak a spell, especially when it’s pretty much all one can do. The collar had been very tight around the wizard’s neck when he inspected it, but when his golden eyes found Caleb’s bright blue in that moment, he had sworn that fear drenched those eyes. Not the cowardice that often danced there, but true and genuine fear. Fjord knew that there were many things he still had no idea of about Caleb, but to see that kind of fear...it was almost chilling.

Little did the half-orc know that the fear had returned to those eyes in the still quiet of the Arcane Armory. Normally there were nature sounds around them as they slept, a wonderful choir of white noise to focus on, but here in the extraplanar dimension of the Happy Fun Ball there was nothing. No nature and none of his friends were out enough to have a regular breathing pattern to think about.

Green brows knit slightly as Fjord once again glanced at the hut. He couldn’t see Caleb, but he could hear the man’s breathing as it not so slowly worked toward a panic. So that had been true and genuine fear Fjord had seen. “Caleb, you alright?”

_Scheiße,_ Caleb thought to himself as he forced his breathing to stop for a moment. He had completely forgotten about Fjord on the outside of the hut and glanced up at his friend. The quiet dragged on for a minute when it hit Caleb that he had just such a thing to help with this lack of white noise and snapped Frumpkin into his lap. The cat gazed up at him and began to purr, as if knowing exactly what the wizard needed from him.

“Caleb?” Fjord asked again when he heard the snap. It was familiar and he could swear the cat was purring extra loud tonight...or maybe everything else was extra quiet. He waited for an answer long enough to hear Caleb begin to breath more calmly.

“_Ja, gut._ I’m good, Fjord. I did not mean to worry you. _Danke_,” he whispered softly as he finally made to lay down in his designated spot with Nott at his side and Frumpkin moving up to his chest. Jester shifted slightly as he slid into place.

“Mmm, night Caleb,” she murmured absentmindedly, not really awake or asleep.

“_Ja_, good night Jester,” he replied, closing his eyes and resting his hands atop his fey cat. Their voices were enough to rouse the rest of the Nein into a slight chorus of half asleep good nights that made Caleb and Fjord smile. The purr resonating inside his chest and helping greatly to ease his mind. It took him a few minutes longer to drift than normal, but when sleep finally came, it was most welcome.

_._

_.._

_..._

_Silence._

_The one spell Bren hated the most. Learning to fight without magic was...unsettling. He was best with his evocation and didn’t understand why he was being subjected to this task of learning to fight without it. Astrid’s fist broke across his jaw and a cry would have sounded loud in the room had the spell not been in place. Bren held his jaw as his friend went in for another attack, but this time he managed to dodge...straight into Eodwulf; who tackled the firebug to the floor._

_Master Trent Ikithon watched from outside the Silence with displeasure. Bren knew those eyes were on him as he struggled to break the tackle. The boy was lithe and thin, not at all built for fighting rough like this. Eodwulf was nothing but muscle it seemed and Astrid was learning the ways of fighting much quicker. Physical combat seemed to be a weakness only for Bren. Eodwulf cracked another punch across Bren’s face and the shock caused tears to well in his bright blue eyes._

_“Hold,” came Ikithon’s voice and while none of them could hear it within the sphere of magic, Astrid was watching their teacher and helped Eodwulf up, leaving the weakened Bren to get himself up off the floor. “Leave,” he ordered the two as they gazed out at him. Both Astrid and Eodwulf bowed to their master and left the bubble of Silence without any trouble. Bren struggled to stand, holding an aching rib from the tackle as he watched them go before risking a glance at Ikithon; some of the fear still in his eyes._

_“You disappoint me, Bren. My brightest and most gifted student and you cannot fight. All that potential can’t simply be magic. You need to learn to fight.”_

_Bren didn’t have to hear the voice to know the tone. Master Ikithon betrayed very little with his body language, but the way his mouth moved was well known to Bren and it made him glance away from his teacher’s face. That allowed the student to watch Ikithon’s hands as Hold Person was cast on him. Bren’s head shot up in surprise only to be held there. The boy couldn’t move a single muscle as Ikithon stepped closer to the sphere that muted all sound. With a few more hand motions and words Bren had trouble focusing on, magical manacles found their way around his wrists._

_Hold Person dropped the second the chain linked him to the hard point on the floor and Bren had the chance to look down at his bandaged wrists. The manacles held him tight with their encrusted runes that he had no way of breaking free of, not as long as Silence was still present. Panicked bright eyes looked back to Trent._

_“When you are finally ready to learn, Bren, then we can finish this lesson,” Master Ikithon stated sharply before turning on the spot and leaving his student inside the sphere of Silence. Bren pulled uselessly at the chains that offered him very little movement and screamed for his teacher. At least he would have if the magic didn’t steal his voice from him. It was only because of Silence that Bren didn’t scream himself hoarse that night._

_..._

_.._

_._

Caleb shot up from his memory, breathing hard and looking around him. He was still surrounded by sleeping friends and a gently purring fey cat that looked curiously up at him. He gave a nod to the cat and reached out to pet Frumpkin. Dreams of his past were most unwelcome, but they came often when his mind had the chance to think without focus...or, you know, when a fucking Golem decides to saddle him with a muting collar, but that was semantics.

He roughed his face and hair with both hands as he tried to rid himself of the memory. Caleb swallowed hard and could swear the tightness was once again around his throat. Bright eyes went wide when his fingers made a check and found the collar was indeed seated back in its place.

_Unmöglich,_ he tried to say but, as per the collar’s function, no sound escaped his lips. A panic attack began to rise in his chest as he reached out for Nott only to find her missing. _N-Nott?_ he asked, momentarily forgetting he had no voice. Caleb looked around again and the friends he had checked on when he woke were no longer there. The warmth and protection of the hut was no longer there.

Scrambling to get up, Caleb whipped around to find the ballistas gone, the room around him changing into something different as he spun to find his friends. Wood walls replaced stone as he moved and the feel of somewhere familiar began to clutch at his heart. Recognition came after a moment and he took several steps back from the familiar desk. This was impossible. He had to be dreaming, there was no way that the man could have found them, not with his pendant and certainly not within the Archmage Bane, but that notion didn’t stop the panic attack that built as frantic hands reached for the collar to try and wrench it free.

“Well now, isn’t this a surprise.”

Caleb stilled as that all too familiar voice sounded behind him. His spine became ice cold as the wizard glanced over his shoulder. Master Trent Ikithon looked just as he did when they nearly met after the Victory Pit; a moment that felt like it had happened years ago now. Looking at the man was akin to looking directly into the sun, Caleb couldn’t do it and turned away; feeling very much like the student he had once been in this room.

The sight that greeted him however was enough to make his stomach drop and his skin pale significantly. His friends, his family were knelt before him; blood splattered, bruised, broken, and chained.

_Scheiße,_ Caleb mouthed as he felt Ikithon step closer.

“You’re just in time, Bren. Come to finish the lesson at last,” Trent just about purred as he stepped ever closer.

_Nein!_ Caleb tried shouting, but the collar effectively kept him from making a sound. The momentary defiance chilled as hated hands gripped his from behind; the touch setting old scars alight with pain as if they had just been cut into his skin. If he hadn’t been wearing the collar, Caleb’s voice would have sounded out in pain.

“Now, remember how I showed you to do this. It’s time to end this little game,” Ikithon whispered into Caleb’s ear, making his skin crawl as he was maneuvered towards his friends as if he and his old teacher were one being.

_Nein_, Caleb frantically began to repeat as he was forced to raise the weapon in his hand into the air. He watched it take several forms before settling on Jester’s hand ax, he recognized it instantly and looked down to see the little sapphire looking up at him, begging for help.

“Just like I taught you,” came Ikithon sickly sweet voice once again while trying to force his hand down.

“_Nein!_” Caleb hollered out as his friends shot up to look at him. Each set of eyes looked worried by his outburst. Caduceus’ were more curious than worried, but his mouth was forming a question that Jester beat him to.

“What’s wrong, Caleb? Are you okay?”

The wizard glanced around, pausing on every member before speaking. “_Ja, entschuldigung._ Apologies...bad dreams,” he murmured, reaching both hands up to his face as he sat up a bit straighter. Only one hand made it to his face. Every member of the Mighty Nein watched his other hand check to make sure the collar was no longer around his throat. They all exchanged glances with one another but said nothing.

“Maybe we can ease those left over feelings with some breakfast,” Caduceus offered softly. He was still very new to how situations like this were to be handled, but a little breakfast never hurt anyone.

“_Ja_, I would like that,” Caleb agreed in a slightly tired voice. Beau recognized the tone as it was startlingly similar to when the wizard would come out of his fire induced stupors. She glanced at Jester and Fjord; both nodded in acknowledgment and agreed to leave it at bad dreams for now. Pressing matters like this in a place like this would not do any of them any favors.

Nott took up her old place in Caleb’s lap while they all dug into one of Caduceus’ vegetarian breakfasts. The quiet about his outburst was not lost on Caleb. It was a tense quiet and he didn’t enjoy it. The wizard knew they had questions for him as Frumpkin curled around his neck, but had little idea that they had all independently chosen to let the wolf at the door for the time being.

For now, they chose to focus on the task of finding Yussa and maybe, just maybe getting ahead in the battle against Obann.

**Author's Note:**

> Unmöglich - Impossible  
Entschuldigung - Apologies
> 
> I did get these translations from google, so if they need changing, please let me know!


End file.
